I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
