I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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