My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
