You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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