he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
