last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
