In the future we'll all be gay
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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