Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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