He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
