dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
you made out with another girl for some wings
I have already put on my inside pants.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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