That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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