btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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