So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
