saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
