tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
