I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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