im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
