its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
