Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
