Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
