Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
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we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
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I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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