Who wears a wallet chain?!
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
