i wish peter jackson would direct porn
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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