Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
