I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
