If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
