the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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