Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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