We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
