I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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