I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
