sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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