If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I need to sanitize my soul.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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