My sheets look like a crime scene.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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