He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
