FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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