I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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