i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
