I just threw up on my dentist
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
