So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
try to milk me bitch
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
