Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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