I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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