The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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