Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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