so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
