I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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