dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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