Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
