I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
