So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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