Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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