there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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