I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You dont lie about slip and slides
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
