I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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