So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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