There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
