I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
