Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
