new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
