Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
