I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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