you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
