Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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