I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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